Indy 5 Made Me Long For Crystal Skull

Dial of Destiny wants to turn back the clock...sort of?

A De-Aged Harrison Ford in Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

There is a moment shared between Harrison Ford and icon of the screen — and criminally over-qualified extra in this film — Antonio Banderas, that nicely sums up my feelings on the fifth Indiana Jones film.

Indy and his sidekick Helena Shaw are about to go diving in an ancient shipwreck when the water below them starts to bubble. When Antonio Banderas explains that this is likely being caused by eels, Shaw or her kid sidekick Teddy (I genuinely can’t remember because my eyes had already rolled into the back of my skull) says, “They kind of look like snakes.” Indy replies, “No, they don’t.”

The CGI eels they encounter on the dive don’t particularly frighten Jones, certainly not to the degree of his snake phobia. Nor do they frighten us, the audience. Remember when Indiana Jones was creepy?

There are a great many issues with this film, which many critics will enumerate on. The fundamental criticisms are fairly inarguable: the film is far too long, it’s not particularly well-directed or written, and CGI de-aging technology still can’t hold up to questioning.

But all of this could have been somewhat overcome if the dynamic between the film’s co-leads — Ford’s Indy, and his god-daughter Helena Shaw (played by Phoebe Waller-Bridge) — was even remotely compelling.

Shaw is the one who involves Indy in this particular adventure. After a lengthy flashback to begin the film, in which we witness a young Indy and Shaw’s father, Basil, steal an artifact from the Nazis near the end of World War II, we jump to Indy’s present.

It’s Moon Day, 1969, and Indy’s college students would rather be in the streets toasting progress than listening to an old man drone on about the past.

After witnessing Indy grimace his way through a retirement party, Shaw crashes his personal pity after-party:

“Who are you?”

“It’s me, your goddaughter you love!”

“Oh yes that’s right! Hello Wombat — the term of endearment I have for you!”

And so it goes from there. Helena is in trouble, and even though she hasn’t seen Indy in 18 years she became something of a swashbuckling, ass-kicking archaeologist herself! That sure must have been some memorable times they spent in her first decade alive.

I digress, but the important thing is that she’s a chip off the old block… of her estranged godfather, save for one crucial element: She’s only in it for the money.

Except she’s not. If she was, and the movie was about the clash of Indy’s, “It belongs in a museum,” philosophy versus Shaw’s flippant, spiteful disregard for the obsession of her father’s past, then we might have had a story on our hands!

But of course she cares about the past, her father, her godfather. If she didn’t revere them, why has she becoming a globe-trotting dealer of antiquities? And, as Indy points out, nobody memorizes their father’s notebooks and chases after their obsessions just for money. (Psst, remember — Indy did that?)

Shaw is exactly the kind of half-hearted, poorly conceived co-protagonist that tends to weigh down these modern legacy sequels. In fact, Phoebe Waller-Bridge herself already starred in Solo: A Star Wars Story — another attempt at grave-robbing Harrison Ford’s legacy.

But Waller-Bridge is just the tip of the iceberg. Movies like this absolutely have to star a plucky young actor that Gen Z likes in order to keep the next generation of young people attending Universal Studios, and Disney World, and signing up for ShowtimeMaxHulu+FreeveeFubu.

To be clear, that may sound overly critical of Waller-Bridge, a performer and writer I think is remarkably gifted. She even gives a fairly winning performance in this film, and it’s extremely evident she punched-up the humor in her dialogue. Thank god too, because I cannot imagine an even drier version of this movie.

Happily, I will say the franchise has given up on any semblance of baton-passing. The idea that some of the iconic franchises Hollywood has excavated over the years could be passed on to another generation of leading men/women is another principle failing of many major tentpole films.

Take Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull for example. Though I have always enjoyed that film immensely (and the mediocrity of Dial of Destiny only bolstered my opinion) it’s biggest problem is it’s half-hearted attempt to pass the baton from Ford to Shia Labeouf.

Other major franchises in the 2000’s and early 2010’s made the same mistake. Mission: Impossible tried to pass the mantle from Tom Cruise to Jeremy Renner, the Bourne franchise tried to pass the mantle from Matt Damon to… also Jeremy Renner.

These films all failed to recognize that Indiana Jones is Harrison Ford. Tom Cruise is Mission: Impossible. Matt Damon is Jason Bourse. And Jeremy Renner is not the greatest movie star who ever lived.

More recently, legacy sequels have rarely boomed, and frequently busted. Among the the booms, films like Top Gun: Maverick, and another Ford vehicle, Blade Runner: 2049 were received quite well. In my opinion, the biggest reason for that, was because those movies told stories that truly felt like they needed to be told.

Meanwhile Dial of Destiny is already in the process of financially flopping, joining the likes of Solo, the Jurassic World Franchise, and Ghostbusters Afterlife.

No, this film doesn’t make the mistake of trying to pass the baton. But if there’s one thing the few legacy sequel successes have showed me, it’s that there’s always room for a new chapter if the right people, with the right passion, meet the right material.

As a kid who dressed as Indy for halloween probably 5 times, I really wish this was a story that needed to be told.

This film could have easily overcome many of its flaws, and made for a great time at the movies, if the dynamic between Waller-Bridge and Ford made for emotional satisfaction. The movie fails to make the audience feel their connection, and buy into Shaw’s emotional arch — because the movie isn’t brave enough to make her flawed in the first place.

Furthermore, In my mind there is most definitely a compelling story that deals with a retired Indy, stuck in an aging body that doesn’t let him get into the field anymore, watching the world obsess over the future instead of the past. But the movie isn’t brave enough to bring Indy that low.

Legacy sequels probably aren’t going anywhere. Some will be great, but most will probably be terrible. I just wish when we sit down to try and unearth another chapter, we were a bit braver.